I no longer wake up every day with that dark thought and feeling that I am wrong. Not that I did or said something wrong the day before, but that something was wrong with my entire being. For decades I would wake up and mentally pummel myself because surely, I was bad/evil in some manner or form. I would stand in the shower and wrack my brain trying to figure out what sinful thing I might have done and how I could earn God's forgiveness.
For some of you it might. But I'm fairly confident more can relate.
I mistakenly assumed that beating myself up would somehow lead me toward redemption. I needed to suffer before entering tranquility.
I see now it was horseshit. But 35 years of habit and what some might define as "questionable guidance" are difficult to break.
I am, however, hopeful. Those dark thoughts no longer bother me. I wake up and get started with my day. No more self loathing. No more cringing at the site of new day--weighed down with the dread that I am failing in some way.
I pray we all reach a more balanced view of ourselves.