Letting Go

The process itself wears different pants, hats, and...slacks.

How and why...

What and when...

Letting go is never easy. I should know. I spent the better part of 18 years attempting to quit smoking. Didn't stick until July 12 of 2015. Yes, an 18 year battle between my psyche, physical desires, emotional deceptions, and spiritual needs.

A man of extremes, I lift the pendulum high and let it swing. Now arrives the blur of rash decisions provided by an emotional response. React. React. React. The fury of emotion burns bright but exhausts within days to minutes.

I ended so many evenings by taking a nearly full pack of smokes and dumping them into the toilet. Flush flush. Watch those little sticks of relief spiral down into oblivion. Crumble the empty pack. Toss it. "Never again." I lied. Funny how I would always wait until I was ready for bed, making sure I had smoked my "last one" (sometimes two or three) before the night was over. Ah, delusion. Once morning hit, I would once again crave my little friend's companionship. "Fight it, damn it." Nothing more than a façade. Inner turmoil of what life would be like without those sticks of cancer. I couldn't handle it. I wouldn't be me. Some important part of me would vanish with the cigarettes. So I held on and reasoned I would quit on more proper terms. Whatever the hell that meant.

If smoking had been the only physical addiction/obsession/need that plagued me, maybe this would not be an issue. Magic the Gathering, Comic Books, Television shows, movies, video games, coffee, certain foods, chocolate chip cookies, porn. A physical desire arises and I fall into an obsessive trap of want disguised as need. Life loses its meaning without the material. Depression increases. As does the need to fill some self-created void. On and on the cycle goes - only stops when...we explode...see a shrink...gobble down some good meds?

I hope to delve into the madness more. To find an understanding of how to best let go...but not of just the material. Oh no. We also have the mental and emotional to consider. 

Until the madness take me...or my mind meet completion.