So I found myself in a bit of a mental battle this weekend. A back and forth between the variations of my conscious. Cards good. Cards bad. Of course, the dialog contained more sophistication than that, but the good vs bad spells out the overall theme.
I find it necessary to explain a few things about myself:
Lately I have been reading up on something called the Enneagram. An interesting tool in mental, spiritual, and emotional self-discovery. The enneagram breaks down the ego/personality into 9 varieties. The cool thing--shows a connection between the 9 and does not limit us to one. Typically we fall under three of them. We also to go one in times of stress and one in times of total relaxation. Short definition of it. I think it best to leave it there in the hopes you will research it on your own, as there are those who understand it better, like Richard Rohr, Ian Cron, and Suzanne Stabile.
The point? Well, after going through the Enneagram I have discovered I fall under the number 5: The observer/investigator. Makes sense. I like to listen and study both sides of an issue. Because of this, I usually have a hard time making a decision. This is when my 1 comes out. One's are the Perfectionist. Not only do I study both sides, but I have an inherent need to choose the right side. If I do not, I fear calamity will fall on me and never be undone.
But that's why the back and forth between any internal struggle drains my core. Soul, mind, body, heart. I become extremely tired. I wear down. Become susceptible to depression and bad decisions. Since I know this about myself, how do I respond?
Well, I used to smoke heavily and completely shut down. Watch TV endlessly. If I didn't make decisions, I couldn't be wrong. Now, I have found dialectic exercises help. I also find it helpful to continue writing and recording. For some reason, those hold back the demons. I honestly believe God gave us all some sort of Gift in use of worship and mental stability. Mine happens to be this. I highly suggest you look deep and find out what it is you do that keeps your mind stable.
I keep getting distracted with work and completely lost my train of thought. So, we will discuss this more tomorrow.