Yesterday I spent too much time thinking. Doesn't sound terrible. If anything, most of us don't spend enough time thinking. Normally, I agree. However, when I delve deep into the metaphysical, material, emotional, and mental realm of reality simultaneously, neurons backfire and my peaceful demeanor crumbles. Switch from topic to topic. Theory to theory. Solution to possible solution.
At every moment, my head throbs with the question: Which route is the correct one? To some, that is an idiotic question. Multiple routes are nothing new. Some are more right than others, but grayness covers them all. I laugh at the innocence. Or cry that my brain is apparently defunct and has issues with grayness, observing and deciphering so much in a black or white status.
Right. Left. Forward. Backward. Rich. Poor. Good. Bad. Light. Dark.
The weight crushes me.
Sometimes I want to hate myself. Why? We live in a culture that values individualism so much, many of us lack that friend/brother/sister to help pick us up when we fall. Every mistake I make earns 1000 times its negative effect. I've been trained to believe I must fix my own problems.
Doesn't help my fiveness dictates I do anyways.
I fall between a line of pray...don't pray. God will help. God won't help. Why should He/She? Who am I? Ask a friend...a family member? I stick to the tar beneath my feat. Tape ducts to my mouth. Avert my eyes and pretend all is well in the land of James.
It isn't pride. But fear. I analyze every possible scenario and the same result appears. "No." "Nope." "Nada." "Yeah right."
How do I ask for help?